Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance for you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
