The Advice from My Dad That Helped Me as a New Father

"I believe I was simply in survival mode for twelve months."

One-time Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey anticipated to cope with the demands of becoming a dad.

Yet the actual experience quickly proved to be "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health problems during the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was pushed into becoming her chief support in addition to caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, every nappy change… each outing. The job of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

Following nearly a year he became exhausted. It was a chat with his own dad, on a park bench, that led him to understand he required support.

The straightforward statement "You're not in a good spot. You need some help. What can I do to support you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His situation is far from unique, but rarely discussed. While people is now better used to talking about the pressure on mums and about PND, far less attention is paid about the difficulties fathers face.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his difficulties are linked to a larger failure to open up amongst men, who continue to internalise damaging ideas of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall every time."

"It's not a show of failure to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men often don't want to admit they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - most notably ahead of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental health is equally important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the opportunity to ask for a respite - spending a couple of days abroad, separate from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He realised he required a adjustment to consider his and his partner's emotions as well as the logistical chores of caring for a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That insight has reshaped how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of feelings and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen lacked reliable male guidance. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says suppressing emotions resulted in him make "bad choices" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as an escape from the anguish.

"You turn to substances that are harmful," he explains. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually make things worse."

Advice for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling under pressure, speak to a family member, your spouse or a therapist about your state of mind. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the things that made you feel like yourself before becoming a parent. Examples include going for a run, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Look after the physical health - nutritious food, physical activity and where possible, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your emotional health is faring.
• Connect with other parents in the same boat - hearing about their experiences, the challenges, as well as the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Understand that requesting help isn't failing - taking care of yourself is the most effective way you can look after your loved ones.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having not spoken to him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead provide the safety and emotional support he lacked.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - managing the feelings safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become better, healthier men because they faced their pain, changed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I expressed, at times I believe my job is to guide and direct you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I am understanding just as much as you are on this path."